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Do: Tell her she's beautiful every day; no matter how wide she gets.
Don't: Tell her she's getting as wide as she is tall and suggest she cut back on the cupcakes; unless you want to get hit upside the head with that huge pregnancy book that she's always packing now.
Do: Offer to rub her feet every day. Note: A good foot rub will get you out of the doghouse almost every time....unless you REALLY screwed up and in that case you should try chocolate...LOTS of chocolate and lots of foot rubs.
Don't: Shove your dirty feet in her ever expanding lap and demand to have your feet rubbed. She will most likely rip your legs off and beat you to death with them.
Do: Ignore every pretty woman that passes within your field of vision whenever she's around....like a blind man, you saw nothing.
Don't: Move her pregnant highness out of the way so you can take visual snapshots of every hot chick you see; unless you like the feeling of 'huge book meets face'.
Do: Pass on the trips to the strip clubs that your friends and/or male family members will try to talk you into. Remember to tell her that you passed on these invitations.....the amount of brownie points earned for this will be endless.
Don't: Go to the strip club; and I mean EVER, while she's pregnant, not even if it's the President's birthday and he personally invited you. If you do, she will lie awake at nights when the baby is kicking the crap out of her from the inside and she'll fantasize about all the ways she could kill you and get away with it, because she watches CSI. And this yearning to off you... will last forever.
Do: Cook her breakfast, lunch, or dinner sometimes. Again, brownie points!
Don't: Demand that she cooks for you now, because she's the "little lady" and the kitchen is her domain. You'll be lucky if you get hit in the face with the book, this time she might decide to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
Do: Offer to go for long, romantic walks with her. This has the added benefit of burning off some cupcake calories.
Don't: Tell her to go jogging, because she now makes a better door than she does a window. Again, she watches CSI, you really don't want to mess with her.
Do: Vent to your friends when her hormonal craziness is driving you up the wall.
Don't: Vent to your friends who can't keep their mouths shut and will inevitably call her up on the phone and ask her why she's being such a b@#$*. You shouldn't have friends this stupid in the first place, find smarter ones.
Do: Offer to pick her up a treat from the snack aisle, something tasty, with lots of carbs.
Don't: Grab yourself something tasty and carb-loaded from the snack aisle, hand her an apple, and say something stupid like, "An apple a day keeps the liposuction at bay..". That apple will end up somewhere you won't enjoy.
Do: Let her hog the remote and watch all the sentimental movies she wants; it'll keep her occupied and happy. Occupied and happy means she's not thinking of offing you.
Don't: Watch sports shows all the time and tell her that if your kid doesn't like sports you're getting a paternity test. She'll shove that remote so far up your butt it'll have to be surgically removed.
Do: Ask her mother and father for advice in handling these next 9 months. You're going to need all the help you can get and getting the in-laws on your side in the very beginning can go a long way in ensuring your survival.
Don't: Ask your mother or father for advice; they'll want to shelter you from the 'crazy pregnant woman'. This will make you look weak and, like a shark sensing blood, it'll just
put her in a frenzy.
